It has been a year since my whole Molar Pregnancy crap went down. For some reason it has been on my mind a little more lately and I am dealing with the whole tragedy more now because I am at a place where I am more able to. I wanted to record a few more details about it and I think I am ready to vent a little bit about how it has been dealing with it.
I was 8 weeks along when I woke up in a pool of blood. I had been so incredibly sick the month before, throwing up many times a day. I was aware that my belly was growing really fast. I also had been spotting throughout. I had a blessing when I found out that I was pregnant saying that the baby would be healthy and that I would have special experiences with this pregnancy, and that I should write them down in a journal to share with the baby. You can imagine how that made it harder to let go and believe when I found out it never was a baby at all, but a tumor of rapid growing placental tissue. But, in time, I was able to come to terms with that.
When I miscarried, on a Friday morning, I went to my midwife and she took some blood just to make sure all of the hormones were going down like they should. Geren took me to IHOP and we mourned the loss but the midwives said we could try again as soon as we felt ready, and we were glad about that. The next morning, I called the mid-wife and said that I was still as sick as ever. Her theory was that I was pregnant with twins and that I lost one of them. That gave us hope again. She also mentioned that it could be a Molar Pregnancy... I looked it up, and I remember telling Geren, "Lets hope it's not that because you have to wait a year before you can try again!" Little did I know that that was the least of my worries. She told me to go get another blood test, and so I did. That evening I passed TONS of blood clots so much so that we gave up hope that there was still a baby in there and leaned toward the MP. The next morning, Sunday, I got a call from my midwife saying that my hcg hormone was off the charts (1, 570,000) and that it was definitely a MP.
The doctor here was too afraid to do the D&C because it is a much riskier surgery than with a normal pregnancy because it is more difficult to stop the bleeding, so I was flown to Albuquerque. The doctor warned me that if they couldn't stop the bleeding they would do a hysterectomy, everything went fine.
They told me it was a very slim chance that i would have to do chemotherapy, only 30% have to. But I had to! For 4 months. So, what I thought was going to be a 12 month wait became a 16 month wait. My feelings about trying again are, I think, similar to anyone who has had an abnormal pregnancy. I am anxious, but it is scary.
I was at Deseret Book yesterday, and was browsing the grieving section, because I have been more interested in trying to find some comforting literature, but there isn't any specifically on MP's. I decided to read a book called 'Gone too Soon'. I realize that it was about miscarriages and stillborn births, but the emotional impact that I had is similar, so I thought I would give it a try. While there is no official doctrine of the church stating that miscarried babies or stillborn babies will be resurrected and they will be apart of our family in heaven, many LDS members believe this. The author of the book believes in this, and suggested evidence to support this belief.
Reading this book made me a little angry! I had to go through similar emotions as any other pregnant woman who loses their baby, but I don't get to have the comforting hope that I will be able to see the baby again, because it never was a baby! I just think it's not really fair. (yes, I am sounding like a 2 year old).
When I have explained to people what a Molar Pregnancy is, (the egg has no DNA in it and when it is fertilized it creates a tumor of the placental tissues), I have gotten some responses like, " Oh, well, that makes it easier to know that it never was a baby." But, it really doesn't.
Time has gone really fast though, and I am so thankful for the health that I have enjoyed since then. And may I just say that I have learned a lot from this experience, and it has helped me to feel closer to friends, family, and to God.
