It has been a year since my whole Molar Pregnancy crap went down. For some reason it has been on my mind a little more lately and I am dealing with the whole tragedy more now because I am at a place where I am more able to. I wanted to record a few more details about it and I think I am ready to vent a little bit about how it has been dealing with it.
I was 8 weeks along when I woke up in a pool of blood. I had been so incredibly sick the month before, throwing up many times a day. I was aware that my belly was growing really fast. I also had been spotting throughout. I had a blessing when I found out that I was pregnant saying that the baby would be healthy and that I would have special experiences with this pregnancy, and that I should write them down in a journal to share with the baby. You can imagine how that made it harder to let go and believe when I found out it never was a baby at all, but a tumor of rapid growing placental tissue. But, in time, I was able to come to terms with that.
When I miscarried, on a Friday morning, I went to my midwife and she took some blood just to make sure all of the hormones were going down like they should. Geren took me to IHOP and we mourned the loss but the midwives said we could try again as soon as we felt ready, and we were glad about that. The next morning, I called the mid-wife and said that I was still as sick as ever. Her theory was that I was pregnant with twins and that I lost one of them. That gave us hope again. She also mentioned that it could be a Molar Pregnancy... I looked it up, and I remember telling Geren, "Lets hope it's not that because you have to wait a year before you can try again!" Little did I know that that was the least of my worries. She told me to go get another blood test, and so I did. That evening I passed TONS of blood clots so much so that we gave up hope that there was still a baby in there and leaned toward the MP. The next morning, Sunday, I got a call from my midwife saying that my hcg hormone was off the charts (1, 570,000) and that it was definitely a MP.
The doctor here was too afraid to do the D&C because it is a much riskier surgery than with a normal pregnancy because it is more difficult to stop the bleeding, so I was flown to Albuquerque. The doctor warned me that if they couldn't stop the bleeding they would do a hysterectomy, everything went fine.
They told me it was a very slim chance that i would have to do chemotherapy, only 30% have to. But I had to! For 4 months. So, what I thought was going to be a 12 month wait became a 16 month wait. My feelings about trying again are, I think, similar to anyone who has had an abnormal pregnancy. I am anxious, but it is scary.
I was at Deseret Book yesterday, and was browsing the grieving section, because I have been more interested in trying to find some comforting literature, but there isn't any specifically on MP's. I decided to read a book called 'Gone too Soon'. I realize that it was about miscarriages and stillborn births, but the emotional impact that I had is similar, so I thought I would give it a try. While there is no official doctrine of the church stating that miscarried babies or stillborn babies will be resurrected and they will be apart of our family in heaven, many LDS members believe this. The author of the book believes in this, and suggested evidence to support this belief.
Reading this book made me a little angry! I had to go through similar emotions as any other pregnant woman who loses their baby, but I don't get to have the comforting hope that I will be able to see the baby again, because it never was a baby! I just think it's not really fair. (yes, I am sounding like a 2 year old).
When I have explained to people what a Molar Pregnancy is, (the egg has no DNA in it and when it is fertilized it creates a tumor of the placental tissues), I have gotten some responses like, " Oh, well, that makes it easier to know that it never was a baby." But, it really doesn't.
Time has gone really fast though, and I am so thankful for the health that I have enjoyed since then. And may I just say that I have learned a lot from this experience, and it has helped me to feel closer to friends, family, and to God.
15 comments:
That must have been so difficult to go through-- I'm so sorry that happened to you. What an emotional rollercoaster it must have been! Quincey and Maiya are lucky to have you as their mother.
Megan, thank you for sharing your feelings about this. I'm sure it has been a very difficult year for you. You are such a strong woman. I admire you.
Thanks guys.
I miss you both. :)
it's amazing how similar we both felt with this experience. i remember being so angry that i had all of these emotions and attachments to my "baby" only to be told that i never had a baby. i'm glad that you're at the point where you can work through the trauma of it all, it took me a long time to do that, and even longer to feel like i could trust God if i tried for another baby.
i know we don't really know each other, but i'm grateful to know that you're out there, and that you and i can relate, when so many people can't understand what it's like to go through a MP.
sending lots of love and good vibes your way.
You are such a trooper. And with such cute kids. Love the pictures you post. Hope you get another one one day.
I love to read your blog. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing your experience. There really is a grieving process we go through as women...and your situation is so unique. You have been very educational to me in understanding something I knew nothing about. Love you.
The only chapter I really appreciated in "Gone Too Soon" was the chapter for people related to the ones that experienced the loss. The chapter that told people what NOT to say to the grieving parents. I really wish every could read that because I don't think they realize how stupid some of the things they said sounded. I really wanted to punch every one that said, "Well you're young so you have plenty of time to try again" DUH, but that doesn't mean it isn't heartbreaking all the same. Every one grieves in their own way and I think your feelings are natural and warranted. I think some people expect you to move on and forget, but you never forget. You just learn to live. Just know that there are people there for you and that understand to a degree. The milestones are always the hardest, but I do believe our experiences make us better, no matter how sucky they may have been. Thank you for sharing. It was hard for me to share what happened, but I think it's theraputic in a way and helps other people to be more sensative to the things they think and say. You're awesome!!
you seem to be so positive about this experience...i'm sure you don't feel that way most days but i am amazed at your strength and outlook. thank you for sharing your experience. it really has made me look at life and raising children differently.
:) You are one brave mama! Glad you are healthy.
Thanks everybody. I really appreciated your comments on this. It is nice to know such understanding and loving people as yourselves.
Oh! and Kara, I do agree with you about that chapter in the book... I did enjoy that part. I think the worse kind of comments for me, were the ones that I was told 2 kids is enough anyway... as if in some way I was being greedy.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feeling. I never know what to say to someone who has experienced such a loss. Maybe I should read that chapter so at least I would know what not to say. You are a great strength to me and from the looks of it many more people. Thank you for your example.
How hard for you, sweetie! Thank you for sharing so much of your story. MPs are something I knew nothing about before you had yours and it's been so eye-opening reading about your experiences.
(((hugs)))
It was wonderful seeing you last weekend! Thanks for sharing your story. We love you and keep hanging in there!
Oh, Megan! You are so amazing! I wish I was there so we could talk all about everything going on in our lives. Drinking a couple of slushies, of course.
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